Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

I hope they boil the right one.

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Well, that didn’t work.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

Oddly specific

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.