Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

Welcome to the stomach

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.