Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

🤣😂🤣😂

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

bad news gang

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen