me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.