Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

Lmao the reply

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.