Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.