me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
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[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.