me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
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Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan