Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

#Caturday

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

What do you text your spouse?

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Moms. The original autocorrect.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing