Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.