Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Oddly specific
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.