Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
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You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP