Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
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*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix