Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

Meow

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Coffee is ready.

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!