Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
馃槏馃槀馃グ馃槀馃槏
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
friend: [texting] i鈥檓 gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 馃 on nothing 馃 for no reason 馃
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they鈥檙e not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.