Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.