Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You Might Also Like
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
this is uni
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000