Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You Might Also Like
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.