Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
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You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Worth the read.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*