me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
peeping toms
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
put ‘er there pardner!
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
