me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
