Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.