Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.