Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

*looks at you in batman voice*

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.