Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.