Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

Word!

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want