me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I’m turning the tables on “big beef” and from here on out I’m only eating beef fed grass!
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual