Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

I think the cat got the dog high.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

secret recipe

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD