Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

At ease

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

ㅤ

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six