me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
ME: *tells my kid anything*
KID: i know i know i knowME: *asks my kid anything*
KID: i don’t know
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
