The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Brain: That is a fly.
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Hey can I call you back in like 6 weeks?
if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die
Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!