I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Brain: That is a fly.
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
You Might Also Like
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
M: a pigment of my imagination
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.