@BlairLoudly

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

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@iGreenGod

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

@pleatedjeans

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

@Mr_Bucky

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

@hippieswordfish

ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
W: dont
M: a pigment of my imagination

@robin_991

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

@jackmackenroth

If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”