Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
This story is comedy gold 😂
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.