Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

sigh

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?