Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?