Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm