Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
You Might Also Like
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.