Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Alexa, make me look good naked.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.