Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

This will never not be funny to me.

oh you wanna fight?!

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.