Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?