Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

When you kidnap a writer.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.