ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
#catsoftwitter
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you