ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
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H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.