Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.