Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.