Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Jesus steals the winter solstice
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “