Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
You Might Also Like
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Need WebMD
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer