me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
😂😂
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often