Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled