me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy