me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
this makes me so uncomfortable
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop