Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.