Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store