Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Why are bridges so flammable.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Good boy 😂😂

edward fingerhands

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.