Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes