Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

Brb my Sims are getting married

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?