Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
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DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.