Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

I stand by it

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast