Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

I’m putting together a team

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?