Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

yikes

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Can’t, holding a grudge