Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
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my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you