Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
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Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit