Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you

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I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart


The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.


The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.


Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.


My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.


“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”


“Pa rump pum pum pum?”

“Screw it, we gotta get this out and Christmas is tomorrow”


You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.


He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw