@itsallbollocks

Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
Me:
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you

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@DanMentos

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

@Ms_Moneypenny_

The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.

@kirthyiyer

The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

@heatherlou_

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

@UncleDuke1969

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

@thenatewolf

“Pa rump pum pum pum?”

“Screw it, we gotta get this out and Christmas is tomorrow”

@TheLemon_

You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.

@SvnSxty

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw