Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Erm…