Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.