Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Grow up never but we old may grow we

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels