Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.