Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Fruity

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.