Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
No. He’s not coming out to play
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?