Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)