Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
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It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
my mind
You just read my mind
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.