Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

“That’s what” – She

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.