Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

What a year we’ve had this week.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Only you can prevent podcasts

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

tfw you realize …

blocked.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass