Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

The struggle is real.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

The game has officially changed 😎

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.