Tell me you get it…🤣
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17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t