Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
