Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
