Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
phew
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I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle